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I can't believe I haven't posted an entry since before Logan popped out of the womb. My nephew was born Logan Alexander Grimm on May 12th at around 8pm. He weighed out to be eight pounds even and was something like 193cm long. I don't know about his height. Regardless, if you've read past entries of my blog, you'd know my sister was supposed to have a baby girl. Well, Lily came out Logan. Despite having had to return all of the girl clothes and baby girl items, I think everyone in my immediate family is ecstatic that Logan is a boy. My father especially. He's wanted a baby boy since I was a little girl. Matter-of-fact, I was supposed to be a boy. Sorry, Dad! :<

brb, smoking.

Nothing more delicious for breakfast than pull-apart Twizzlers and Diet Dr. Thunder. I'm a little stoned and occupied with Super Street Fighter IV right now. I'll post more someday.

mi alma

Hey, all. That last entry was partially typed out while I was under the influence, so excuse the grammatical errors and such. I've noticed that since I've stopped writing, when I do write, it's really shitty! I've also noticed that for the first time in a long time, I'm spending most of my time thinking. When it comes to me and thinking, it's one extreme or the other. I either don't think very much at all, therefore not examining potential consequences to my actions, or I think so much that I scare myself into not initiating the action. Either way, I usually end up feeling regretful and terrible afterwards. What do I do? What I'm trying to do is take good care of myself in every aspect of life. I'm trying to make sure my mental health is where it needs to be (it's not). I'm trying to take care of my physical health and my body (I'm not). I'm trying to keep my head up. I need to make a more thorough attempt to stay happy. That's all I want for me. That's all I want for anyone.

I woke up at noon today, which is pretty late for me. My norm was noon at one point, and I'm proud of myself for fixing that particular habit. Oddly enough, I've figured out that I have more energy when I get less than 8 hours of sleep compared to when I get more than 8 hours of sleep. For breakfast this morning, I ate a ton of marshmallows, some oatmeal, and tea. For lunch I ate two tacos and drank a green tea pearl drink (really yummy, btw). I picked at some pastries and chewed some gum in between. When I came home at six from hanging out with my boyfriend, I ate at least 5 bowls of cereal, a chicken burrito, and more marshmallows. I am so fucking full. Overeating has become my main method to temporarily reduce stress, but when I'm done eating, the stress comes back ten times worse since I just ate a TON OF FUCKING FOOD. I'm so terribly self conscious about my weight and how I look in front of people. I've been putting more effort into being active, but damn, I'm not what I used to be. I'm renewing my gym membership on Wednesday and I could not be more excited. Now I'll have something to do on my days off besides eat, play bass, listen to music, and hate myself. Ngh. I'm not eating anything else for the rest of the night. Just drinking some delicious peppermint tea.

karmalade

I love playing bass. I never understood why I didn't play more. My fingers hurt a lot because I have tiny girl hands, but I don't mind it. I was told that once I started playing, it would be a lot easier to hear the bass played in songs. It was/still kind of is difficult for me to hear it being played in some of the music I listen to. It varies from band to band.

My sister's moved back into the house. We traded rooms for the sake of the baby, which I offered to do and am totally cool with. Britt's never had a big room and she deserves to. I don't have a ton of personal belongings and since I've moved out once before and never quite fully moved back in, it was easy to move my shit around. It's funny though, because I went from a huge room to my sister's room, which is so tiny! This room has been my sister's territory since 2005, so it's kind of strange being in here a good portion of my time (I'm antisocial). I'm situating myself in as best I can. It's difficult for me to accept the fact that there'll be an infant in this house in a couple of days. Gives me chills.

Life throws curve balls way too often. More and more lately it seems like terrible things are happening. It seems to be happening so much more often than before, but maybe I'm just more observant than I used to be. Lily isn't "a terrible thing" by any means, but I didn't want my little sister having a kid this young. It's going to be different forever now. I don't know what any of us are doing. I'm super scared.

just about once a month

I can't believe -- just cannot believe that I haven't gotten the eighth Johto badge in Pokemon SoulSilver yet. I'm farting around with all these potential interests (writing, bass, biking, skating) and haven't focused on gaming at all. My 360 probably only gets played weekly. Uggghhh. I'm almost done typing out my journal; I'd say about two thirds done. It'll still be a rough draft once it's typed out. It'll just be easier to edit. Names, locations, and stuff like that still have to be altered for privacy to be kept. Regardless, I'm not only excited -- excitement being unusual enough -- but confident in my goals, which is more noteworthy than any excitement I can experience. If I manage to get this thing published, it will get noticed and I will be loaded. Daddy's getting a new house here soon. Ahaha.

Work is going well. There's nothing to it but hard work and being social. The latter used to be absolutely dreadful and petrifying to me even while I was medicated, but I can't even tell that I'm off my meds most of the time now. I persevered and can currently function perfectly fine without any form of medication. My boyfriend had my back and supported me the entire time. Thank you so much, Conejito! Te amo! Mi amor! lol. Not much else to say. I've been listening to a ton of music. I'm working on my writing more intricately so I can pursue a (moderately realistic) career involving both. My bass needs to be played. I need to practice! :( I haven't been working out as much as I'd like to, but if the weather stays this pretty, I'll kick myself in the ass if I don't get outside eventually.

Aaaand... here's my song of the moment. It's a Japanese band, ACIDMAN, covering the Disney Pocahontas song "Colors of the Wind." It's so, so, SO good. OH! I'll post Miyavi covering Nirvana's "Blew" as well. The audio is all you really need on the first video, but you should watch the second one.

The lead singer, Oki (Ohki, Ooki?) Nobuo, is cute as fuck. I have an interracial crush on him. <3>

And I don't find Miyavi attractive at all, but damn, he's an amazing guitar player.

lml

I haven't written anything at all lately. Journal or blog. I still need to document everything that's happened since mid-February and trust me, it's a lot of shit. Mostly shitty shit. Not good shit. Brittany's baby daddy Vincent stole all her money from the piggy bank she had for the baby. I don't know if they've talked or not, but Brittany (fortunately) wants nothing to do with him now. Kids like that deserve to be struck by a car. I'm not saying I want him dead. I'm saying I want him to get hit by a car. I've been more and more observant about things like karma lately. What goes around does come around, people. The time it takes to "come around" varies though. Sometimes decades pass.

I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW. POKEMON SOULSILVER ARGH!

What's the point?

Man, life is so wild sometimes. My fifteen year old sister is six months pregnant and my family just found this out a little more than a week ago. My fifteen year old cousin who impregnated his fifteen year old girlfriend just had his kid two days ago. What the fuck is going on? I'm not disappointed in them -- fuck it, I'm lying. I am. Especially with Brittany. Nathan and I were never really close, but I know he's a smart kid (sans the impregnating a high school freshman) and that he'll love that kid until his ears bleed. Our generation is so pathetic. I'm not basing this off of my relatives; I'm basing it off of everything. Very few of the kids my age are currently going anywhere. No ambition anymore, and I'm sad to say that I'm gradually becoming just like them. Do I want to do anything with my life and if I do, why? What's the point?

I watched 500 Days of Summer yesterday. I'm not a big fan of the female lead, Zooey Deschanel. I'm pretty sure she was in Yes Man, too. I don't hate her or anything like that. I just don't like her acting. Jesus balls, though, that Joseph Gordon-Levitt kid is just so cute. I would do terrible, terrible things to him. He was in 3rd Rock from the Sun. Little Joseph grew the fuck up, huh? He reminds me a lot of this dude I'm banging. Anyway, yeah. 500 Days of Summer was alright. I missed the first 20 minutes, so maybe I need to watch it again, but I thought it was an average movie overall. Phenomenal soundtrack, though. Those kinds of movies always have a bomb ass soundtrack. At the climax of the movie, a Regina Spektor song I've never heard before called "Hero" played and I nearly cried.



Life is shitty right now in my eyes. I mean, shitty for my usually awesome life. I feel like I'm just fading away. I feel like I'm being consumed by my anxiety. Logan, my cat, leaves home for days at a time and comes back when he so chooses, but he's never been gone this long. I wish he was home. I wish Mia was here, too.

I'm normal here.

Fuck, has it been a rough new year. Though, 2009 in Alaina-vision sucked, too (except for the music).

David and I broke up. Violently. I'm acting different than I ever have before, but exactly how I used to be at the same time. My psyche is all contorted and I'm wondering whether it's from one thing or another. I'm so lonely all the time. I want to get out and do things, but I fucking panic or someone says something and I get all butt-hurt and nostalgic when I shouldn't. It's slowly waning away, and I want to prove to myself that I'm not co-dependent, because I'm not, but I miss hugs. Hugs are so awesome.

Check out my new playlist. It's some good music.